Not Just Arm Candy

Since I’m swamped with stuff but still like to blog for no real reason, really, I’m going to release a draft that’s been lingering at the top o’ the draft queue.  I don’t think I said everything that I wanted to but that’s a skill I have to learn.  To not say … ALL of it.  To give it a little room.  Instead I will just relish in the non-perfection, because I can do that.  I’m not perfectionist at all noooo.

on this post by my friend Rita:

I’ve hung out with guys most of my life, and i guess, when it comes to relationships and stuff, i’m not exactly the girly-girl type. Are things starting to change though? It seems as though some guys are starting to develop the same qualities as girls…example:
…they get mad if you don’t call them everyday, or after you’ve chilled, or something random like that…. — my reasoning….i like to be independent, i don’t have to talk to you every single day (unless maybe you’re my fiance). being suffocated by the presence (whether in person or not) of one person 24/7 just makes the relationship worse…and quite annoying for that matter.
…they start getting emotional just like girls as well. why aren’t you holding my hand and being affectionate? blah blah blah….maybe i’m just not as comfortable with pda like others. although, personally, i have nothing against holding hands- i actually like it a lot.
…one of my biggest pet peeves, are the awkward moments on the phone…

photo courtesy of: xxjetlab’s photostream


Does anyone else feel this way?  Rita has reason, except we’re comparing modern-day men to ladies of the past.  Maybe I’m just seeing it from a strange angle but I feel like many women, especially after the 20th century ladies got their Liberation on, are the ones keeping men on their toes. We want lives, too! And the modern man, if he’s cool, doesn’t want an antique woman!

I have some serious problem with moderation. I think we all do, in some sort of way, but when I really like something, there are little limits I impose on myself, if at all. I used to live balls-to-the-walls carefree in that sense. Bad idea. Like Rita said, any relationship, except for maybe the one with my dog, needs some breathing space. I have been on both ends of the spectrum.  

In my experience either extreme makes me feel like I’m suffocating.  Eventually invading each other’s space so much that it’s hurtful instead of understandable when one person needs alone time? … I consider that unhealthy.  The worst part is when conversations run dry.  I feel like I’ve been in the middle of a conversation with someone I liked who will remain unnamed.  And I have heard an actual sucking sound, like air was turning in on itself.  Pretty painful.  For me, seeing each other at routine points during the day is definitely cute, but time spent apart is so valuable and it actually helps the relationship grow.  There has to be time to miss each other, to learn new things apart from each other.  To just to feel and interact differently.  Comfort is one thing, but too much comfort is just being a bum.  Sprinkle in some intrigue.  Dress up for each other!  (This is surprisingly important to me.)  Take time to continuously become better for one another.   There’s magic in reminding each other why you’re together and how lucky you are to be with them.

It’s about moderation.

But you know what? That moderation should never feel like work. It should be easy, fun, natural, and something to look forward to. About the phone– of course awkward moments during phone converastions will happen because the telephone is a clumsy way to communicate anyway. You can’t read each other’s eyes, pick up on non-verbal clues, the stuff that makes face-to-face interaction so brilliant! If you have mastered the phone conversation with someone, then you are obviously a good fit. When I need to get off the phone with my girl friends Kara or Gloria, it takes forever because we just keep snowballing into fits of laughter and tidbits of last-minute information we have to share. Then again, having a great relationship on the phone and missing the mark in person is also pretty unfortunate. Either way, I feel like it’s completely unnecessary to talk on the phone if you have nothing to say.  Although being single reminds me of how much I’d like to share with someone… but I want it to be the right person.  I don’t want to go on about music and art, bikes, school, or what Mojo learned that day if the dude hates my dog and prefers to watch TV in silence.   

Sometimes it’s a beautiful thing to see someone’s name on your caller-ID. I admit I get butterflies when I see a certain someone’s name. But I feel like, even if it’s that person, you better have lots to talk about and ought to have mastered the art of conversation with each other, or it’s POINTLESS.  Unless perhaps their sound of their voice is just soothing.  Then that’s just adorable.

It’s about moderation.

PDA is not only a modern piece of technology.  It’s a modern piece of romance-ology.  That makes very little sense.  Moving on.  Now, I enjoy holding hands in public. Because all at once it says to your significant other, “I really like you, and I’m proud that I get to be with you in public… and alone –WINK–”  At the same time it says to anyone else outside that universe, “Yes, I know this one is cute and impressive. And he’s mine. Now back off.”  But people.  The phrase “GET A ROOM” is out there for a reason.  Cut that intense stuff out!  It’s my firm belief that you keep the cuddling to a minimum unless you are in the company of those who know you and don’t mind. It’s the secret displays of affection that are the most moving, in my opinion.  And the moments that you get a quick chance to shimmy in.  A sweet compliment in the ear.  A butt squeeze.  Knowing glances between each other when you’re both silently not buying it, Pam and Jim style.  Hand-holding is about where I cut the PDA.  Any other touching I better be comfortable doing with any of my other friends or it’s just not fair to make people watch.

I don’t know what kind of girlfriend all this makes me, because apparently I’m a bipolar when it comes to past relatonships, but this is what I’ve learned.  My style may be a little dry, perhaps even a little stingy. But it’s in no way demanding.  The only thing I demand is space to be myself. Cause I gotsta regulate, AIGHT.

Then again… I’ve discussed dynamics between boys and girls.  What about homosexual couples?  What goes on there?  Is it similar?  I’d like to know more about that.


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