You looked happy. Happy with a secret.



How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d;

Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope

I am a forgetful person when it comes to keys, my headlights, things like that.   I can change this.  But there are some things I can never forget.  I can push them away, but they push back.   Wouldn’t it be great to erase the bad and keep the good?  Sounds great but I like to think you have to have the bad to appreciate the good.  A mind spotless, clean, and new — it sounds beautiful and pure, but no man is an angel and I don’t think I could live with one anyway.  Take a look at my skin.  It’s covered in scars.  Not too spotless, not at all.  Each scar has a story.  Some stories I remember pretty well, others I feel like I may even be imagining.  I used to be kind of self-conscious about these marks (knee socks, pants, or tights at all times).  But there’s just no use.  After all, it’s my body and I’m the only one who knows what each one means to me.  If anything these scars are like a secret on display yet no one can decipher its message.  I think that is beautiful.   








I think you can recognize a movie is truly a favorite movie when it’s a rare thing that you’ll say no to watching it again and again.   It’s possibly the smartest movie I’ve seen on the subject of love.   Never is there a gag-worthy moment.  Michel Gondry combined two of cinematic elements that never fails to capture my attention: surrealism and science fiction.  I combed through my printed sheet music and I actually learned the film’s Theme by Jon Brion instead of just having the paper and doing nothing with it.   With this song I feel that he succeeded in composing the feeling of love, simple and unfettered.  It’s in 3/4 time, which is fitting.  When I think of two lovers I often picture two people who can’t dance falling into their own rhythm together and it’s beautiful the way they stumble all over each other.   


The song is too deeply gorgeous not to be heard.  Or played.  After dinner, when I’m full of warm food and feeling fine.  When I’ve too tired of playing Fur Elise and my fingers are too lazy and not stretched enough to play Chopin.  And I’m feeling a certain color.  The sheet music suggests a playing style that’s “Lazy.”

“What do we do now?”

“We enjoy it.”

6 comments on “You looked happy. Happy with a secret.”

  1. i got ridiculously burned on my calf from a motorcycle the other week, and part of me wants the pretty hideous thing gone. then there’s another part of me that thinks, “what a badass scar this would be…and that ride was fun.”

    and i love this movie, too. it’s pretty perfect.

    • that’s a story you can’t pass up. i think i like scars better than tattoos… not that i endeavor to get scars or anything. but i wonder if you can use neosporin to turn your scar into some sort of design of your liking. kind of a weird concept.

  2. you know, some people prefer brands to tattoos, if scars are your thing.

    as for the meat of your post, i feel a “spotless mind” is really the romanticized equivalent with a relationship tenderfoot. isn’t erasing the bad erasing the lessons you’ve learned, whether it be about love or life? erasing the lessons leaves you with no knowledge, no experience – thus, leaving you open and vulnerable to fall prey to the same, if not worse, pitfalls.

    • well, i absolutely agree. the good doesn’t function without the bad. we learn from our mistakes. that’s how we get better. unfortunately for many relationships it seems like they function on “hit or miss” with no chance to remedy mistakes. as the movie’s ending attests, //SPOILER ALERT\\ the couple just ends up back together again. by some twist of their own willpower. gravitational pull. natural attraction, who knows. the clever thing about the ending is that it raises the question: not knowing the full weight or depth of the mistakes you made/would make, yet being well aware that something went wrong, would you do it again anyway?

      that also brings to mind the clichéd answer to that question: “i’d do it all over again and wouldn’t change a thing.”

      well, that’s probably why you won’t get a chance to do it over again, mr. cliché answer, because obviously there’s something you need to change to make it work. dumb ass.

    • also. scars aren’t my thing so to speak. come on. i don’t purposely give myself scars! tattoos are purposeful. not that one is better than the other. tattoos are obviously art with (hopefully) some meaning behind it whereas scars are blemishes that turn into something meaningful should you choose to give it that weight.

      whywhywhyyy would anyone get themselves branded? there are so many negative connotations involving branding that i feel i don’t need to enumerate on them. the decision to get branded is dumb enough and if someone can’t figure out what stigmas are attached to the act maybe they would best be left in ignorant bliss. and i like how you mentioned brands and then said “meat of your post.” it brings to mind cows. and how a burger sounds really great right about now.

  3. So I skipped the part around *spoiler* cause I haven’t watched that entire movie, just caught parts. But it does look phenomenal.

    Just want to throw in, scars are gorgeous. It seems almost mean of me to say it, but even today I saw this girl with these burns on her legs and they were just beautiful. It seems cruel cause I know she suffers for them, but they are beautiful…literally and in like this big symbolic way. Scars are the one thing that make our memories permanent to others, ya know. Everything I’ve experienced and felt is hidden inside, if there were a scar for each time I learned a lesson and grew a tougher skin…well, we’d just keep changing appearances. So I like scars. They make sense.

    Ya know Thom Yorke, his song The Eraser is like one of my personal anthems >>

    the more I try to erase you
    the more
    the more
    the more that you appear

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